But First, Let Me Vent
Here’s what I think is the most irritating phrase in the lexicon of corporate gibberish: “by COB”.
c•o•b
/ceeohbee/
abbreviation:
close of business
a not-well-defined deadline someone gives you to have something completed.
“you have until the close of business to complete and submit those TPS reports”
And what the hell is the close of business, anyway? Based on which time zone?
It is horrible, for no other reason than its blatant lack of respect, or disregard, for my priorities and productivity.
“What I am demanding of you is so important that you [pick from the following statements]”
- drop what you’re doing
- make room in your day
- stay as long as it takes
Ok, why?
“Because I said so.”
Ok, why?
“Because it’s your job”.
The second and third most annoying phrases in the lexicon of corporate gibberish. The forth is: “because that’s the way we’ve always done it”.
More than likely, it’s because someone else waited until the last possible moment to put their request into the ether. If it’s last minute, how important can it be that you waited so long and have to demand others rush to complete their portion?
In the cases of the routine, someone is trying to remind you of the importance of completing that task. If it is so important, why do I need the rude reminder? Seems like I’d care enough to not need the reminder! Seems like the reminder could be less rude.
And why does the phrase seem so rude to me?
I promise I’m getting to the part where I talk about how I might be overreacting. Bare with me. Griping…I mean writing…is a process.
Some Reflection
What you just read is the general conversation I have with myself when one of these statements lands on my retina or smashes into my ear drums. It destroys my motivation and ignites a sentiment within my soul that cries out for rebellion. It fires me up for a fight.
And I bet you’ve felt this way about something at some point in your life.
Questions:
- is it rational?
- is it petulant?
- is it professional?
- is it selfish?
- is it egocentric?
Answers: no, yes, no, yes, yes.
The rebellious sentiment is because I don’t like being told what to do. At least, not in a way I consider rude, which leads to another way of looking at it, as an insult. I feel like I might just be professional enough to know what is important and to take care of it on my own in due time. But to be told that this is important and it’s due, usually on short notice, by such a rude phrase, that’s just an insult to my sense of my own professionalism. Oh, and the injustice. Mustn’t forget about the injustice of it; the last minute, rude demand.
Another way I look at it is in terms of flow. If I’m trying to get into, or stay in a state of flow, thinking of these sorts of statements easily distract me from it. And I waste large blocks of time ruminating. That frustrates me to no end. Not to mention the difficulty of getting into flow in the first place. There seems to be a kernel of legitimacy in this one. If the thoughts are distracting me, that’s an attention problem. But if the number of these last minute demands pile up, it could truly be a problem for the rest of my work.
Additionally, you can’t say no to these things (can you?). James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, produced an excellent article called The Ultimate Productivity Hack is Saying No wherein he outlines the opportunity costs of saying yes to things. But in these situations, it’s hard to rationalize saying no. (your job, remember?) Therefore, productivity in one lane is interrupted for the sake of productivity in another lane like road construction. My mind can’t help but wonder which lane’s traffic is more valuable or worse, if they’re even on the same highway! Imagine that!
Lastly, maybe my work life feels so frenetic as it is because my difficulty in making choices between alternatives, that yet another trigger hits my inbox and initiates the downward spiral of overwhelm and angst. (This sounds like an up-and-coming post.)
So, in the end, the anguish I feel when receiving this sort of message is an admission, of sorts, that my pond is very easily rippled, and all the aforementioned psychological tumult is just indulging an irate lizard brain, whereas my executive function is as yet to return from vacation last summer. I’m not making this lizard and executive stuff up, see Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman.
In summary:
- The particular phrase is entirely unimportant (trigger)
- I cannot change the world around me, including other people’s behavior (acceptance)
- Slow thinking is more valuable, in the long run, than fast thinking (reframe)
Working Toward A Solution
Triggers
Triggers are hard as hell to spot. Usually, by the time I noticed I’ve been triggered, the lizard is already at mile marker 867 before the executive has left the gas station near the house. Maybe I’ll write a book one day on how to trap the lizard while it’s still in the garage.
To further the metaphor, if I may, I surmise that the same garage door lets both the lizard and the executive out. When you see or hear something that triggers the garage door, it swings open like a bucking chute and there goes the lizard. The executive is still brewing a third cup of coffee while situating a neck tie in the bathroom mirror wondering at which White Elephant event a decade ago it had been clearly re-gifted to him.
Is it even necessary to trap the lizard in the garage? I don’t know. Stick around this blog and maybe we’ll figure it out.
Acceptance
I refer to Ryan Holiday’s excellent book Discipline is Destiny in which he quotes an ancient philosopher as saying:
It doesn’t matter what you bear. It matters how you bear it.
-SENECA
“Learn to bear it”. This sounds depressing. But in reality, what needs to end is engaging the fast-thinking, emotional lizard brain. Slow down long enough to engage the slow-thinking, rational, vacationing executive brain that will help evaluate and reframe the situation in such a way as to be advantageous.
That’s how to bear it.
Reframe
Writing this blog post was a form of reframing. It has forced me to slow down my thinking and call in from vacation the executive portion of my brain. In doing so I came to realize that “COB” is simply a trigger that sets off the fast-thinking portion of my brain. And that, for the sake of my current state of mind and for my future relationship with myself, family, coworkers, employer, and my clients, I should take a moment and slow down the thinking and let Mr. Exec remind me of what is important right now and in the long run. And that’s probably not going to be a Sherman’s-March-to-the-Sea-esque tirade against what I perceive to be corporate gibberish.
Justin J. Kowarsch 