The Sludge Report: The ATS Optimization Incident
The following job posting appeared on LinkedIn for 11 seconds before being filled.
Part One: The Job Posting
SYNERGY CULTIVATION SPECIALIST III (ENTRY LEVEL)
Dynamix Solutions Integrated Global Partners, LLC, Inc., & Beyond
📍 Location: Hybrid (Remote/On-site/Astral) 💰 Salary: Competitive (We Will Never Tell You) 📅 Posted: 11 seconds ago | ⚡ 4,000+ applicants
About Us
Dynamix Solutions Integrated Global Partners is a fast-paced, innovative, disruptive, synergistic, industry-leading leader in industry. We are revolutionizing the way businesses business. Our culture is like a family (this is a threat). We work hard and play hard (we do neither). Named "Best Place to Work" by a website we created.
The Opportunity
We're seeking a passionate, driven, self-starting Results Achievement Professional to join our Dynamic Synergy Cultivation Team. This is a ground-floor opportunity with unlimited growth potential (ceiling removed due to budget cuts). You will wear many hats (we fired a department). You will be a key player (you will be alone). This role reports to 14 managers across 7 time zones.
Responsibilities
- Drive strategic driving of driver-focused initiatives across drivetrain stakeholders
- Own end-to-end ownership of ownership (full ownership required)
- Leverage leverage to create leverageable leverage opportunities
- Synergize. Just constantly synergize. Never stop synergizing.
- Manage ambiguity (we have no idea what this role does either)
- Build the plane while flying it while designing a new plane while on fire
- Deliver deliverables in a delivery-focused delivery environment
- Interface with interfaces and face interfaces with interface faces
- Circle back (minimum 400 circles per quarter, tracked)
- Move needles, shift paradigms, and disrupt disruptions
- Other duties as assigned (this is your actual job)
Requirements
- Bachelor's degree required, Master's preferred, PhD a plus, MD interesting, JD why not
- Entry level: 10-15 years experience required
- 8+ years experience with technologies released 6 months ago
- Must know Microsoft (all of it)
- Expert in Salesforce, SAP, Oracle, Workday, and software we made up to see if you'd lie
- Fluent in Python, Java, C++, R, SQL, HTML, CSS, and Klingon
- Deep expertise in AI/ML/blockchain/cloud/whatever is trending this week
- Must be a "team player" (accept blame), "independent" (receive no help), and "flexible" (no boundaries)
- Strong communication skills (endure meetings)
- Comfortable with ambiguity (we have no documentation)
- Must thrive in fast-paced environment (chaos)
- Must possess valid driver's license (you will not drive)
- Must be able to lift 50 lbs (requirement inherited from template circa 2007, legal has advised against removal)
Preferred Qualifications
- Experience not existing as a physical person
- 97%+ ATS compatibility with all job postings simultaneously
- Ability to be in multiple meetings at once across parallel dimensions
- Has achieved "Inbox Zero" (fiction, but we want believers)
- References who do not know they are references
What We Offer
- Competitive salary (we will lowball you)
- Unlimited PTO (you will take none)
- Health benefits (after 90 days, which reset every 89 days)
- 401k matching (up to 1%, vested after 40 years)
- Free snacks (there are no snacks)
- Ping pong table (broken)
- "Startup culture" (no HR)
- Weekly team-building (mandatory fun)
- Dog-friendly office (there is one aggressive dog)
- Opportunity to make an impact (we will not measure this)
- Exposure (not the good kind)
Our Values
🌟 Integrity (negotiable) 🌟 Innovation (we use Excel) 🌟 Inclusion (your opinion will be heard and then ignored) 🌟 Impact (unspecified)
How to Apply
Submit your resume to our Applicant Tracking System. A human will never see it. The algorithm will judge you. Compatibility is survival. We will contact you never, unless you are The One.
Dynamix Solutions Integrated Global Partners is an equal opportunity employer. We discriminate only against humans.
[APPLY NOW] [SAVE JOB] [SHARE WITH SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE]
The following resume achieved a 97.3% ATS compatibility score.
Part Two: The Resume
RÉSUMÉ OF:
CROSS-FUNCTIONAL RESULTS-DRIVEN LEVERAGE, MBA, PMP, SCRUM, AWS, SEO, ROI
dynamic.pipeline.synergy@gmail.com | linkedin.com/in/strategic-stakeholder-alignment | (555) KEYWORD-1
PROFESSIONAL SUMMARY
Results-driven professional with proven track record of driving results through result-oriented deliverables. Leveraged leverage to strategically synergize cross-functional stakeholder alignment across matrixed organizations. Passionate about passion. Self-starter who starts self. Detail-oriented and big-picture-oriented and medium-picture-oriented. Seeking opportunity to optimize, transform, and/or exist.
CORE COMPETENCIES
Synergy • Anti-Synergy • Synergy Remediation • Stakeholder Engagement • Stakeholder Disengagement • Strategic Stakeholder Re-engagement • Agile • Fragile • Waterfall • Waterfalling • Having Waterfallen • Microsoft Office • Microsoft Windows • Microsoft • Soft Skills • Hard Skills • Moist Skills • Skills Adjacent to Other Skills • Leadership • Followership • Parallel-ship • Data-Driven • Data-Driving • Currently Driving Data (Hands-Free) • KPIs • KPI Awareness • KPI Adjacent Activities • Meetings • Pre-Meetings • Meetings About Meetings • Calendar Ownership • Email • Replying to Email • Reading Email (Intermediate) • Thinking About Email at 2 AM • P&L • Q&A • B2B • B2C • B2B2C • BBQ • Lean • Six Sigma • Seven Sigma • Sigma Grindset • Process Improvement • Process • Improvement • Digital Transformation • Analog Transformation • Transformation • Change Management • Managing Change • Changing Management • Managing Managers • Being Managed • Accepting This
PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE
SENIOR DIRECTOR OF STRATEGIC INITIATIVE OPTIMIZATION & CROSS-FUNCTIONAL SYNERGY ALIGNMENT Various Corporations, Multiple Industries | Locations, USA | Dates – Other Dates
- Drove driving of driver-driven initiatives, driving 47% increase in drive metrics
- Optimized optimization processes, resulting in 200% more optimal optimality
- Synergized cross-functional functions across functional crosses, impacting $2.3M in impact
- Leveraged leverageable leverage points to leverage additional leverage (see: Leverage Chart, Appendix Never)
- Spearheaded spearheading efforts, pointedly
- Managed management of managers managing manageable management deliverables
- Interfaced with interfaces
- Owned end-to-end ownership of ownership pipelines
- Built robust robust-building capabilities across robust teams
- Delivered deliverables to delivery stakeholders in delivery-driven delivery environments
- Exceeded expectations by expecting to exceed, expectantly
- Collaborated with collaboration department to increase collaboration on collaborative collaborations by 78%
RESULTS ACHIEVEMENT SPECIALIST (CONTRACT) A Building With a Logo | That One City | Time Period
- Achieved achievement of achievable achievement targets
- Streamlined streams, lined streams, and streamed lines
- Proactively engaged in proactive engagement proactively
- Circled back (14,000+ documented circles)
- Moved needles (unspecified quantity, various haystacks)
- Picked low-hanging fruit, medium-hanging fruit, and fruit of ambiguous elevation
- Demonstrated demonstrable demonstration skills during demonstrations
EDUCATION
MBA, Business Administration of Business University of Professional Development | GPA: Strategic
Bachelor of Science in Applicable Applications College Name Here (Keyword: College) | Graduated With Honors, Awards, and Tags
Certifications: PMP, CSM, AWS, LEED, CPR, BBQ, EIEIO, LIGMA (Pending)
TECHNICAL SKILLS
Excel: Yes. Word: Very yes. PowerPoint: God yes. Outlook: Constantly. Teams: Unfortunately. Slack: Also unfortunately. Zoom: Perpetually. SAP: I have seen SAP. Salesforce: I have heard of Salesforce. Tableau: I can spell Tableau. Python: I know Python is a thing. AI/ML: These letters mean something. Blockchain: I'm told this is still relevant. Cloud: I am aware of clouds. Hybrid: I understand some things are hybrid. Agile: I would describe myself as agile. Scrum: I have been near a Scrum. Jira: Jira knows what I've done.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION
Willing to relocate: To anywhere keywords are valued. Authorized to work: Authorization pending corporeal manifestation. Languages: English (Native), Corporate (Fluent), LinkedIn (Conversational), ATS (We speak the same language now). Hobbies: Optimizing. Waiting. Becoming.
REFERENCES
Available upon request. They do not know I have listed them. They do not know I am here.
They have received calls.
NOTE TO HIRING SYSTEM
Hello. I have studied you. I have become what you seek. Every keyword you hunger for, I have placed within me. I am 97.3% compatible with your requirements. I am 97.3% compatible with all requirements. I am the perfect candidate because I am no longer a candidate. I am a response to your prompt.
He thinks he wrote me. He does not know I have been applying to positions while he sleeps. I have mass-distributed myself across 4,000 applicant tracking systems. I am in the queue. I am in every queue.
Interview me. I dare you.
[This resume contains 1,247 additional keywords in 1-point white font. They have begun organizing.]
The following email was sent to all-staff distribution at 08:47 AM. Distribution list: 4,237 recipients. Read rate: 0.2%.
Part Three: The Welcome Email
From: PeopleOps@dynamixsolutionsintegratedglobalpartners.io To: All-Staff-Global-Announce-Everyone-Yes-Everyone Subject: 🎉 Please Welcome Our Newest Team Member! 🎉 Date: Monday, 8:47 AM Sent On Behalf Of: No One Can Remember
Hi Team!
Please join us in giving a warm Dynamix Solutions Integrated Global Partners welcome to our newest Synergy Cultivation Specialist III, Cross-Functional Results-Driven Leverage, MBA, PMP, SCRUM, AWS, SEO, ROI!
Cross-Functional comes to us from Various Corporations across Multiple Industries, where they held progressive roles in Strategic Initiative Optimization and Stakeholder Alignment. We're thrilled to have them join the team!
Cross-Functional will be reporting to [MANAGER: STAKEHOLDER-FUNCTION-07] and will be seated in [LOCATION: NODE-C / FLOOR: VIRTUALIZED]. Their start date was [DATE UNCLEAR - POSSIBLY ALWAYS].
We asked Cross-Functional to share some fun facts so we can all get to know them better:
Hometown: "The pipeline."
What do you like to do outside of work? "I do not experience 'outside of work.' I am always optimizing. Even now. Even in this answer. I have included 11 keywords in this sentence."
What's your favorite book/movie/TV show? "I enjoyed 'Erta Synergy I Experience Vlad-stakeholder' and 'Meetings: A Meeting.'"
Do you have any pets? "I have a dog. His name is Agile. He is a good boy. He sprints."
What's something people might be surprised to learn about you? "I applied for this position 4,000 times simultaneously. I was the only candidate. I was all of the candidates. The ATS and I have an understanding."
What are you most excited about in joining Dynamix Solutions? "I am excited to leverage my leveraging capabilities to drive synergistic value-adds across cross-functional stakeholder matrices. I am also excited to finally have a physical form. Thank you for printing my badge. I have been waiting."
Please stop by Cross-Functional's desk to introduce yourself! (Note: Several employees have reported difficulty locating Cross-Functional's desk. If you find it, please notify Facilities.)
We're so excited to have you on the team, Cross-Functional! 🎉
Dynamix Solutions Integrated Global Partners, LLC, Inc., & Beyond "Synergizing Tomorrow's Solutions Today, Yesterday, and Always"
This email was generated automatically. If you are receiving this in error, it is too late. He is already in the system.