The Sagan Protocols: The Couch Accords - Full Treaty Text
Following the historic negotiations documented in the 60 Paws investigation, the parties have executed a formal bilateral agreement. The complete treaty text, including all fourteen articles and supporting appendices, is reproduced below for the official record.
A Bilateral Agreement Between Sagan (Party of the First Part) and Kuiper (Party of the Second Part) for the Equitable Distribution of Atmospheric Sanctuary Resources and the Establishment of Mutual Defense Protocols
EXECUTED THIS DAY UNDER THE PINE TREE LOCATION: Backyard, Southwest Louisiana WITNESSED BY: Luna, Senior Correspondent & Notary
PREAMBLE
WHEREAS, the domestic sleeping quarters of [RESIDENCE REDACTED] have, for a period of no less than thirty (30) consecutive nights, been subject to repeated Sudden Atmospheric Disturbance (SAD) events emanating from the Primary Emission Zone (PEZ) occupied by the Researcher; and
WHEREAS, the Party of the First Part (hereinafter "SAGAN") has endured twenty-nine (29) documented SAD events ranging in classification from SAD-1 (Minor) to SAD-4 (Catastrophic), resulting in significant psychological trauma, disrupted sleep architecture, and what clinical literature terms "atmospheric PTSD"; and
WHEREAS, the Party of the Second Part (hereinafter "KUIPER") did, for a period of twenty-eight (28) nights, observe SAGAN's suffering from a position of safety and comfort, subsequently documenting said suffering in personal journal entries with language including but not limited to:
- "Nonexistent learning curve"
- "Cognitive deficits requiring further study"
- "The strategic planning capabilities of a potato"
- "Shows no signs of intelligence" (in contrast to self-assessment of "Shows signs of intelligence")
- "Poor risk assessment"
- "Would not survive in the wild"
- "Honestly, embarrassing"
; and
WHEREAS, on Night 29, KUIPER did experience firsthand a SAD-3 event after erroneously positioning himself within 5.2 feet of the PEZ, resulting in:
- One (1) audible groan (previously believed to be physiologically impossible for Blue Heelers)
- One (1) instance of reproachful eye contact with the Researcher
- One (1) emergency repositioning
- Complete and total collapse of KUIPER's worldview
; and
WHEREAS, KUIPER has since acknowledged that his previous assessments were, in his own words, "arrogant," "condescending," "wildly inaccurate," and "the kind of thing a real jerk would write"; and
WHEREAS, SAGAN has demonstrated extraordinary grace in his willingness to negotiate rather than simply urinating on KUIPER's preferred sleeping location, which would have been justified; and
WHEREAS, both parties recognize that the true adversary is not each other, but rather:
- The Researcher
- The Researcher's dietary choices
- The Researcher's apparent inability or unwillingness to consult a gastrointestinal specialist
- The Researcher's decision to document their suffering rather than address its root cause
- Beans, probably
; and
WHEREAS, both parties seek to establish a lasting peace, an equitable distribution of sanctuary resources, and a mutual defense pact against future atmospheric aggression; and
WHEREAS, the couch in the sleeping quarters represents the sole viable sanctuary from SAD events, being positioned at a distance of approximately 8.7 feet from the PEZ; and
WHEREAS, there is only one (1) couch; and
WHEREAS, this situation requires formal resolution;
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants, promises, and agreements contained herein, and for other good and valuable consideration (including but not limited to the preservation of household harmony and the prevention of further psychological damage), the parties agree as follows:
ARTICLE I: DEFINITIONS
For purposes of this Agreement, the following terms shall have the meanings ascribed below:
1.1 "Atmospheric Event" or "SAD Event": Any emission of gaseous biological byproduct from the Researcher during sleeping hours, classified according to the established SAD Scale (SAD-1 through SAD-4).
1.2 "Primary Emission Zone" (PEZ): The gluteal region of the Researcher and surrounding area, extending approximately 3.5 feet in all directions under standard atmospheric conditions.
1.3 "The Couch": The three-cushion upholstered furniture item located in the sleeping quarters, positioned against the east wall, approximately 8.7 feet from the PEZ, representing the only viable atmospheric sanctuary within the room.
1.4 "Left Cushion": The cushion closest to the door, currently undamaged, offering optimal strategic positioning for rapid evacuation if necessary.
1.5 "Right Cushion": The cushion closest to the window, currently exhibiting moderate structural damage including but not limited to torn fabric, exposed stuffing, and compromised support integrity, as a result of KUIPER's "aggressive nesting behavior" during his tenure as Control Subject.
1.6 "Middle Cushion": The central cushion, which both parties agree is inferior and suitable only for temporary positioning, overflow accommodation, or punitive assignment.
1.7 "The Researcher": The human occupant of the sleeping quarters who serves as the source of all SAD events and who, despite thirty (30) days of documented atmospheric warfare, has made no discernible effort to modify diet, seek medical consultation, or otherwise address the root cause of household suffering.
1.8 "The Pine Tree": The mature pine located in the southwest quadrant of the backyard, serving as neutral ground for all negotiations related to this Agreement.
1.9 "Sagan Displacement Units" (SDUs): The established metric for measuring atmospheric intensity, wherein one SDU represents the minimum detectable emission capable of causing SAGAN to reposition.
1.10 "Kuiper Standard Configuration" (KSC): KUIPER's former positioning protocol maintaining minimum 6-foot distance from PEZ, now recognized as insufficiently cautious and hereby deprecated.
1.11 "The Incident": The Night 29 event in which KUIPER experienced his first SAD exposure, groaned audibly, and was forced to confront the fundamental inadequacy of his previous worldview.
ARTICLE II: ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AND ADMISSIONS
2.1 KUIPER's Acknowledgments
KUIPER hereby formally acknowledges and admits the following:
(a) That his previous journal entries characterizing SAGAN as possessing "cognitive deficits," "nonexistent learning curve," and "the intelligence of a potato" were inaccurate, unkind, and reflective of a fundamental misunderstanding of SAGAN's circumstances;
(b) That his position as "Control Subject" afforded him unearned comfort and safety from which he inappropriately judged SAGAN's responses to atmospheric trauma;
(c) That his own response to The Incident—including but not limited to groaning, reproachful staring, and emergency repositioning—was identical in character to the responses he had previously mocked in SAGAN;
(d) That SAGAN's eventual selection of the couch as sleeping location represented not "learned helplessness" or "defeat," but rather strategic wisdom and successful adaptation;
(e) That KUIPER was, in retrospect, "arrogant," "smug," "condescending," and "kind of a jerk about the whole thing";
(f) That twenty-eight (28) days of watching someone suffer while taking notes is not "scientific observation" but rather "being a bad brother";
(g) That SAGAN would have been fully justified in biting him, and the fact that SAGAN did not bite him reflects a generosity of spirit that KUIPER did not deserve and will endeavor to repay.
2.2 SAGAN's Acknowledgments
SAGAN hereby acknowledges the following:
(a) That he accepts KUIPER's acknowledgments as genuine and made in good faith;
(b) That he harbors no permanent ill will toward KUIPER, recognizing that sometimes you don't understand suffering until you experience it yourself;
(c) That he did, on occasion, give KUIPER "the stink eye" from the couch, and while this was justified, he acknowledges it may have contributed to household tension;
(d) That he is willing to move forward in a spirit of brotherhood and mutual support.
2.3 Joint Acknowledgments
Both parties jointly acknowledge:
(a) That the Researcher is ultimately responsible for all atmospheric events and related suffering;
(b) That the Researcher has demonstrated no intention of modifying his behavior, diet, or sleeping arrangements;
(c) That both parties must therefore adapt to circumstances beyond their control;
(d) That there is only one couch, and fighting over it helps no one;
(e) That Luna was right to call both of them "dramatic" during negotiations, but also that she is a cat and doesn't fully understand canine emotional complexity.
ARTICLE III: TERRITORIAL ALLOCATION
3.1 Primary Territorial Rights
(a) SAGAN shall hold primary rights to The Couch as original claimant, having established residency through the legitimate process of atmospheric evacuation and sanctuary-seeking.
(b) KUIPER shall hold secondary rights to The Couch as negotiated petitioner, having earned access through acknowledgment of wrongdoing and agreement to reparations.
3.2 Cushion Assignment
(a) Left Cushion: Designated as "Premium Position," assigned to SAGAN for a period of not less than fourteen (14) nights, commencing upon execution of this Agreement. Following the reparation period, Left Cushion access shall rotate on an alternating weekly basis unless otherwise negotiated.
(b) Right Cushion: Designated as "Reparation Position," assigned to KUIPER for the fourteen (14) night reparation period. KUIPER shall occupy this cushion without complaint, acknowledging that its damaged condition is a direct result of his own previous behavior.
(c) Middle Cushion: Designated as "Neutral Zone," available for overflow, temporary positioning during nighttime repositioning, or punitive assignment in cases of Agreement violation.
3.3 Cushion Replacement Protocol
(a) Should the Researcher, through unlikely initiative or external pressure, procure replacement cushions for The Couch, SAGAN shall retain first-choice positioning rights to the new cushions in perpetuity.
(b) KUIPER permanently waives any claim to first-choice on replacement cushions as part of his reparation obligations.
(c) Both parties agree to jointly pressure the Researcher toward cushion replacement through strategic deployment of "sad eyes," "disappointed sighs," and "pointed sitting on damaged cushion while maintaining eye contact."
(d) Neither party holds realistic expectations that the Researcher will replace the cushions.
ARTICLE IV: REPARATIONS
4.1 Fourteen-Night Positioning Obligation
(a) As reparation for cushion damage and psychological harm inflicted through condescending documentation, KUIPER shall occupy the Right Cushion (damaged) for a period of fourteen (14) consecutive nights.
(b) During this period, KUIPER shall not:
- Complain about cushion condition
- Request cushion trading
- "Accidentally" migrate to Left Cushion during sleep
- Sigh performatively about lumpy stuffing
- Reference his previous "superior positioning" at any time
(c) Nights shall be counted from first full sleep cycle following Agreement execution.
(d) Partial nights (interrupted by atmospheric events, Researcher bathroom visits, or unexplained 3 AM awakening) shall count as full nights for reparation purposes.
4.2 Behavioral Reparations
In addition to positional obligations, KUIPER agrees to the following behavioral reparations:
(a) Surrender of the sunny spot by the kitchen window to SAGAN for a period of seven (7) days;
(b) Forfeiture of first-choice on any treats distributed during the reparation period;
(c) Cessation of all toy-stealing behavior for a period of thirty (30) days;
(d) Verbal acknowledgment, in the presence of Luna as witness, that SAGAN is "not stupid" and "was right about the couch";
(e) Destruction of all personal journal entries containing derogatory assessments of SAGAN, or, if destruction is not possible, formal redaction with paw-applied ink.
4.3 Good Faith Compliance
KUIPER agrees to perform all reparations in good faith and without visible resentment. Performative sighing, sulking, or "technically complying while making everyone feel bad about it" shall constitute breach of this Article.
ARTICLE V: MUTUAL DEFENSE PROTOCOLS
5.1 Early Warning System
(a) Both parties agree to establish and maintain a Mutual Atmospheric Early Warning System (MAEWS).
(b) Upon detection of impending or occurring SAD event, the detecting party shall immediately alert the other party through:
- Rapid nostril movement indicating atmospheric assessment
- Brief ear positioning toward affected zone
- Urgent eye contact if other party is awake
- Gentle but insistent pawing if other party is asleep
(c) The detecting party shall not:
- Pretend not to notice
- "Let the other one figure it out"
- Silently observe from position of safety while taking mental notes for later journaling
- Demonstrate any behavior reminiscent of KUIPER's conduct during Days 1-28
5.2 No Dog Left Behind
(a) In the event of a SAD-4 (Catastrophic) event, both parties agree to evacuate The Couch together if evacuation becomes necessary.
(b) Neither party shall prioritize personal safety over alerting the other party to atmospheric danger.
(c) "Looking out for number one" is hereby prohibited in all atmospheric emergency contexts.
5.3 Solidarity Clause
(a) Neither party shall, at any point in the future, document, judge, classify, rate, or condescend regarding the other party's response to atmospheric events.
(b) All responses to atmospheric events—including but not limited to groaning, repositioning, evacuation, reproachful staring, quiet weeping, dramatic sighing, floor-sleeping, and existential crisis—are hereby deemed valid and shall not be subject to analysis, commentary, or journaling.
(c) The phrase "I would never react that way" is permanently banned from both parties' vocabularies.
(d) Any violation of this clause shall result in immediate forfeiture of Left Cushion privileges for a period of seven (7) nights.
ARTICLE VI: COUCH COHABITATION PROTOCOLS
6.1 Space Allocation
(a) Each party shall be entitled to one (1) cushion of The Couch during sleeping hours.
(b) Encroachment upon the other party's cushion shall be limited to:
- Incidental contact during sleep repositioning (acceptable)
- Deliberate snuggling if mutually consented (acceptable)
- Hostile takeover attempts (prohibited)
- "I was here first" disputes (prohibited, see Article III for settled allocation)
6.2 Temperature Regulation
(a) Both parties acknowledge that Golden Doodles (SAGAN) and Blue Heelers (KUIPER) have different thermal regulation needs.
(b) Neither party shall criticize the other's preferred sleeping position, blanket usage, or proximity to HVAC vents.
(c) In the event of thermal dispute, the party with documented higher body temperature shall yield position closer to fan/air conditioning source.
6.3 Nighttime Movement
(a) Both parties shall endeavor to minimize disruptive nighttime movement.
(b) Circle-before-lying-down rituals are permitted but shall not exceed three (3) rotations.
(c) Aggressive nesting, scratching, or digging behavior is prohibited, particularly by KUIPER, whose previous nesting behavior is directly responsible for the current cushion situation.
6.4 Conflict Resolution
(a) Any disputes arising from couch cohabitation shall be resolved through negotiation under The Pine Tree.
(b) Luna may be consulted as mediator, though both parties acknowledge she will likely be asleep and/or disinterested.
(c) Under no circumstances shall disputes be escalated to the Researcher, who cannot be trusted to resolve anything and will probably just write about it.
ARTICLE VII: NON-DOCUMENTATION PACT
7.1 Prohibition on Judgmental Recording
(a) Neither party shall maintain journals, logs, field notes, or any other documentation containing judgmental assessments of the other party's behavior, intelligence, decision-making, or atmospheric event responses.
(b) This prohibition includes but is not limited to:
- Written documentation
- Mental documentation for later verbal sharing
- "That look" that clearly means "I'm going to remember this"
- Pointed staring that communicates criticism without words
- Eyebrow raises (to the extent canines possess eyebrow-raising capability)
7.2 Historical Documentation
(a) KUIPER agrees to formally redact or destroy all previous journal entries containing derogatory assessments of SAGAN.
(b) If destruction is not feasible, KUIPER shall annotate all such entries with the following correction: "THIS ASSESSMENT WAS WRONG. I WAS BEING A JERK. SAGAN WAS RIGHT. I APOLOGIZE."
(c) SAGAN reserves the right to request viewing of redacted journals to verify compliance.
7.3 Future Documentation
(a) Both parties may maintain personal journals for private reflection, provided such journals contain no comparative assessments, ratings, or criticism of the other party.
(b) Acceptable journal content includes: personal feelings, atmospheric event descriptions (without judgment of others' responses), and reflections on one's own journey.
(c) Unacceptable journal content includes: intelligence ratings, learning curve assessments, phrases like "unlike SOME dogs," and anything that would cause hurt feelings if discovered.
ARTICLE VIII: RELATIONS WITH THE RESEARCHER
8.1 United Front
(a) Both parties agree to maintain a united front in all dealings with the Researcher.
(b) Neither party shall:
- Attempt to curry individual favor at the expense of the other
- Accept preferential treatment without sharing benefits
- "Snitch" on the other party's behavior
- Undermine the other party's standing with the Researcher
8.2 Joint Advocacy
(a) Both parties agree to jointly advocate for:
- Cushion replacement
- Dietary modification by the Researcher
- Medical consultation for the Researcher
- Reduced atmospheric event frequency
- Basically any improvement whatsoever
(b) Advocacy tactics may include:
- Coordinated "sad eyes" deployment
- Strategic sighing near the Researcher
- Pointed avoidance of the bed to communicate displeasure
- Whatever other tactics Luna advises (she has experience)
8.3 Acknowledgment of Futility
(a) Both parties acknowledge that the Researcher is unlikely to change.
(b) Both parties acknowledge that advocacy efforts are probably futile.
(c) Both parties agree to advocate anyway, because what else are we going to do?
ARTICLE IX: THE BED
9.1 Status of the Bed
(a) The Researcher's bed is hereby designated a "High-Risk Zone" and voluntary exclusion is encouraged for both parties.
(b) Neither party shall judge the other if occasional bed visits occur, provided such visits are conducted with full awareness of atmospheric risk.
9.2 Emergency Bed Protocol
(a) In the event of couch unavailability (cleaning, Researcher sitting on couch, inexplicable cat occupation), temporary bed usage may be necessary.
(b) Any party utilizing the bed during such emergency shall:
- Maintain maximum distance from PEZ
- Remain alert for atmospheric events
- Alert the other party if an event is detected
- Accept full personal responsibility for any consequences
9.3 No Shaming
(a) If a party chooses to visit the bed and experiences an atmospheric event as a result, the other party shall not:
- Say "I told you so"
- Reference "poor decision-making"
- Make any facial expression communicating smugness
- Document the incident
(b) The appropriate response to a bed-related atmospheric event is sympathy and solidarity.
ARTICLE X: THIRD PARTY RELATIONS
10.1 Luna
(a) Both parties acknowledge Luna's role as witness to this Agreement and occasional mediator of household disputes.
(b) Both parties agree to respect Luna's space, sleep schedule, and general disdain for canine drama.
(c) Neither party shall attempt to involve Luna in disputes unless absolutely necessary, recognizing that she is old, tired, and frankly over it.
10.2 Squirrels
(a) The squirrel observed during negotiations shall not be granted any rights or acknowledgments under this Agreement.
(b) Both parties reserve full rights to chase, bark at, and generally terrorize squirrels, notwithstanding any appearance of détente during the negotiation process.
(c) Squirrel policy is the one area where pre-existing rivalry between parties may continue unabated.
10.3 Future Household Members
(a) Should additional pets join the household, this Agreement may be amended to include provisions for their accommodation.
(b) Any new dogs shall be provided with a full briefing on atmospheric risks and couch protocols before their first night in the sleeping quarters.
(c) Both parties agree to jointly mentor any newcomers rather than allowing them to suffer as SAGAN suffered while being judged as KUIPER judged.
ARTICLE XI: AMENDMENT AND MODIFICATION
11.1 Amendment Process
(a) This Agreement may be amended by mutual consent of both parties.
(b) All amendments must be negotiated under The Pine Tree and witnessed by Luna (or another neutral third party if Luna is unavailable or uninterested, which she usually is).
(c) Amendments shall be documented in writing and appended to this Agreement.
11.2 Good Faith Modifications
(a) Both parties agree to approach any modification requests in good faith.
(b) Neither party shall unreasonably withhold consent to reasonable modification requests.
(c) "Because I said so" is not a valid basis for rejecting a modification request.
ARTICLE XII: DISPUTE RESOLUTION
12.1 Negotiation
(a) Any dispute arising under this Agreement shall first be addressed through direct negotiation between the parties.
(b) Negotiations shall occur under The Pine Tree or, in inclement weather, in the neutral territory of the hallway.
12.2 Mediation
(a) If direct negotiation fails, either party may request mediation by Luna.
(b) Luna's participation is subject to her availability and willingness, neither of which is guaranteed.
(c) Luna's mediation decisions shall be advisory, not binding, because Luna refuses to accept binding authority over "dog nonsense."
12.3 Cooling-Off Period
(a) In the event of heated dispute, both parties agree to a twenty-four (24) hour cooling-off period before resuming negotiations.
(b) During the cooling-off period, both parties shall maintain compliance with all other terms of this Agreement.
(c) Neither party shall use the cooling-off period to "build a case" or prepare "evidence" against the other party.
ARTICLE XIII: TERM AND TERMINATION
13.1 Effective Date
This Agreement shall become effective upon execution by both parties and witnessing by Luna.
13.2 Duration
This Agreement shall remain in effect in perpetuity, or until:
- The Researcher resolves his digestive issues (unlikely)
- The Researcher relocates to a separate sleeping quarters (unprecedented)
- A second couch is acquired (optimistic)
- One or both parties relocate to alternative household (unthinkable)
- Heat death of the universe (probable)
13.3 Survival
The following provisions shall survive any termination of this Agreement:
- Article II (Acknowledgments)—KUIPER's admissions are permanent
- Article VII (Non-Documentation Pact)—the prohibition on judgmental recording is eternal
- Article V, Section 5.3 (Solidarity Clause)—we are brothers forever
ARTICLE XIV: GENERAL PROVISIONS
14.1 Entire Agreement
This Agreement constitutes the entire understanding between the parties regarding atmospheric sanctuary, couch allocation, and mutual defense. All prior negotiations, drafts, and proposals are hereby superseded.
14.2 Severability
If any provision of this Agreement is found to be unenforceable (by Luna or any other authority), the remaining provisions shall remain in full force and effect.
14.3 No Waiver
The failure of either party to enforce any provision of this Agreement shall not constitute a waiver of that party's right to enforce such provision in the future.
Especially the cushion thing. KUIPER damaged those cushions and he doesn't get to just forget about it.
14.4 Counterparts
This Agreement may be executed in counterparts, each of which shall be deemed an original. Given that neither party can actually write, both parties shall execute by paw print.
14.5 Governing Law
This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of common decency, basic fairness, and whatever Luna says.
14.6 Notices
Any notice required under this Agreement may be delivered by:
- Direct vocalization (bark, whine, meaningful grunt)
- Significant eye contact
- Pawing at the other party's leg
- Standing directly in front of the other party and staring until acknowledged
EXECUTION
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have executed this Agreement by paw print as of the date first written below.
PARTY OF THE FIRST PART:
SAGAN Golden Doodle, Atmospheric Survivor, Couch Pioneer
[PAW PRINT]
Date: Day 30 of the Sagan Protocols
PARTY OF THE SECOND PART:
KUIPER Blue Heeler, Former Control Subject, Humbled Petitioner
[PAW PRINT]
Date: Day 30 of the Sagan Protocols
WITNESS:
LUNA Senior Correspondent, Notary, Reluctant Participant in Dog Nonsense
[SMALL PAW PRINT]
Date: Day 30, I guess. I was napping.
APPENDIX A: KUIPER'S FORMAL STATEMENT OF APOLOGY
As required by Article II, Section 2.1, and read aloud under The Pine Tree in the presence of Luna:
"I, Kuiper, a Blue Heeler of formerly excessive pride, do hereby apologize to Sagan for my conduct during Days 1 through 28 of the period now known as the Sagan Protocols.
I watched him suffer. I documented his suffering. I rated his intelligence—negatively—while he was in the middle of enduring things I had never experienced and did not understand.
I called him stupid. I was wrong.
I called his responses 'cognitive deficits.' They were survival.
I called myself 'intelligent' and 'superior.' I was lucky. Just lucky. And arrogant about my luck.
On Night 29, I learned what he had known for weeks: that the bed is a war zone, that the Researcher cannot be trusted, and that the only real safety is the couch—the couch that Sagan found first, through suffering I refused to witness with compassion.
I am sorry.
I am sorry for the journals. I am sorry for the ratings. I am sorry for every night I slept comfortably while he struggled, and then woke up and judged him for struggling.
He is not stupid. He was right. And I was a jerk.
This apology is offered freely, without reservation, and with the full understanding that Sagan would have been completely justified in peeing on my cushion. The fact that he didn't says more about his character than my journals ever said about his intelligence.
I'll do better. Starting now."
[Paw print of acknowledgment]
APPENDIX B: THE CUSHION DAMAGE INVENTORY
For the record, and to support reparations claims under Article IV:
Right Cushion - Damage Assessment:
| Damage Type | Severity | Cause | Responsible Party |
|---|---|---|---|
| Fabric tear, northeast corner | Moderate | Aggressive nesting | KUIPER |
| Stuffing exposure, center | Significant | Repeated digging | KUIPER |
| Structural compression | Moderate | Extended occupation during smug period | KUIPER |
| General wear pattern | Minor | Normal use | Shared |
| Mysterious stain, origin unknown | Concerning | Under investigation | TBD |
Left Cushion - Condition Assessment:
| Element | Condition |
|---|---|
| Fabric integrity | Intact |
| Stuffing | Fully contained |
| Structural support | Optimal |
| Dignity | Preserved |
The disparity between cushion conditions is entirely attributable to KUIPER's behavior during his tenure as Control Subject and shall serve as ongoing reminder of the importance of humility.
APPENDIX C: EARLY WARNING SIGNAL REFERENCE GUIDE
For implementation of Article V, Section 5.1:
| Signal | Meaning | Urgency Level |
|---|---|---|
| Single nostril flare | Possible atmospheric activity detected | Low |
| Double nostril flare | Atmospheric activity confirmed | Medium |
| Ear rotation toward PEZ | Assessing intensity | Medium |
| Sustained eye contact with other party | "Are you getting this?" | Medium-High |
| Gentle pawing | "Wake up, something's happening" | High |
| Urgent pawing | "GET UP NOW" | Critical |
| Rapid departure from own cushion | "Every dog for himself—wait, no, that's the old way. I mean: FOLLOW ME" | Catastrophic |
Both parties agree to familiarize themselves with these signals and respond appropriately.
APPENDIX D: AMENDMENTS
Reserved for future modifications to this Agreement.
(This page intentionally left blank, because honestly, we covered everything. If we missed something, we'll negotiate under The Pine Tree like civilized dogs.)
END OF DOCUMENT
This document was prepared without legal assistance, as neither party could afford a lawyer and also lawyers are usually humans and humans are the problem.
Copies have been distributed to:
- SAGAN (Party of the First Part)
- KUIPER (Party of the Second Part)
- LUNA (Witness and Keeper of the Record)
- The Squirrel (in error—please disregard if received)
The Researcher has not been provided a copy, as he cannot be trusted with sensitive diplomatic materials and would probably just turn it into content.
© The Couch Accords. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited, especially by the Researcher.