The Great Rift Valley Incident: Part 1 - First Contact
A natural history documentary in four parts
Opening Narration
The camera pans across the vast African savanna. The sun rises over ancient cliffs. A small ant navigates a blade of grass in extreme close-up. The voice is measured, wise, impossibly British.
"The Great Rift Valley, approximately two million years ago. Dawn breaks over one of the most significant locations in human evolutionary history. Here, our ancestors developed the fundamental skills that would carry our species forward: tool use, social cooperation, the careful observation of patterns in nature."
The ant pauses, antennae twitching.
"And here, on this particular morning, all of that is about to be threatened by the single most destructive force in the world: a management consultant with a PowerPoint presentation."
The ant's antennae droop slightly.
"Nature can be cruel."
Act I: The Displacement
Scene: Materialization
It happened at 9:47 AM.
One moment, the clearing near the watering hole was empty save for the usual morning sounds—birds, insects, the distant call of a predator. The next moment, with a sound like a conference room door closing too quickly, Derek Hutchins materialized.
He was 47 years old. He was wearing a pressed charcoal suit (Armani, though no one present would understand this distinction). His briefcase was leather. His Rolex caught the early sunlight. His AirPods were in, though the battery had died somewhere during the transition between millennia.
For a full fifteen seconds, Derek stood perfectly still, eyes closed, breathing the technique his executive mindfulness coach had taught him.
Then his eyes opened.
"WHERE," Derek announced to the savanna, "IS THE NEAREST STARBUCKS?"
The narrator's voice returns.
"Notice the consultant's first instinct: to seek familiar infrastructure. Without access to overpriced coffee and wireless internet, his species becomes deeply disoriented. Observe now as he attempts to process his new environment."
Derek turned in a slow circle. Grassland. Acacia trees. Mountains in the distance. No buildings. No roads. No cell signal—he checked three times.
"This is," Derek said slowly, "an extremely underdeveloped market."
He adjusted his tie.
"Significant opportunity for growth."
The ant observes from a nearby rock.
"And here we see the consultant's remarkable evolutionary adaptation: the inability to recognize danger. Where most animals would assess threats—predators, food scarcity, exposure—the consultant assesses 'market opportunity.' It is a survival mechanism uniquely adapted to climate-controlled office environments. Out here, it is spectacularly useless."
Scene: Assessment
Derek did what any Senior Vice President of Organizational Transformation would do in an unprecedented crisis. He pulled out his phone (no signal), opened his laptop (14% battery), and attempted to log into his calendar.
It was Tuesday. He had a 10:30 with Strategic Initiatives.
He was going to be late.
"Okay," Derek said aloud, a habit from years of narrating his own thought process in open-plan offices. "Okay. Let's think about this strategically."
Narrator: "The consultant talks to himself. This is normal behavior in his natural habitat, where thinking aloud is considered evidence of productivity. Here, it alerts every predator within hearing range that an unusually verbose prey animal has arrived."
Derek set down his briefcase. He removed his jacket, folded it precisely, and draped it over the case. He rolled up his sleeves (left, then right, exactly two rolls each).
"First things first," he announced. "I need to establish my network."
He scanned the horizon.
Nothing.
"Attendees currently absent," Derek muttered. "Let's circle back on that."
The narrator, quietly: "He has no idea where he is. He has no idea when he is. And yet, already, he's scheduling follow-up meetings."
Act II: First Contact
Scene: The Tribe
They appeared gradually, the way early humans did—silent, careful, assessing.
There were perhaps fifteen of them. They moved as a unit, stopping when one stopped, advancing when the elders (three figures, older, with scars that told stories) gestured forward.
They had been hunting. They carried spears. They wore animal skins. They had not, in their collective experience, ever encountered anything quite like Derek Hutchins.
Derek saw them and his training kicked in instantly.
He smiled (the professional smile, seven percent broader than a genuine smile, sustained three seconds longer). He adjusted his posture (shoulders back, chest forward, the power stance). He extended his right hand.
"Derek Hutchins," he announced, volume pitched for the back of a conference room. "Senior Vice President, Organizational Transformation, Synergistic Paradigm Solutions."
The tribe stared.
"Great to connect with you all. Really excited about the opportunity to align our strategic objectives."
The narrator sounds almost impressed.
"Remarkable. Faced with actual hunter-gatherers, the consultant immediately attempts a handshake—a gesture that won't be formalized for another 1.999 million years. Note the tribe's confusion. They have no framework for understanding this behavior. One of them believes Derek is displaying dominance. Another thinks he might be having a seizure. The eldest believes he is a spirit. All three interpretations are more accurate than Derek's actual intention."
Derek held his smile. His hand remained extended.
"I'm sensing," Derek said carefully, "that we might have some language barriers here. Not a problem. I've worked with international teams before. The key is finding common ground."
He slowly withdrew his hand and gestured instead toward himself.
"Derek," he said, pointing at his chest. "Der-ek."
One of the younger tribe members mimicked the gesture, pointing at his own chest. "Uktar."
"Outstanding!" Derek pulled out a small notebook from his briefcase. "Uktar. U-K-T-A-R. Got it. Great. Who else are we working with today?"
The narrator: "The consultant is taking notes. He has, in the span of five minutes, transformed first contact with our evolutionary ancestors into a stakeholder mapping exercise."
Scene: The Pitch Begins
Three of the tribal elders conferred in low voices. They used a proto-language—mostly gestures, some vocal sounds, concepts rather than words. Derek interpreted this as a board-level discussion.
He waited. Good salesmanship meant letting the client talk first. Find their pain points. Then position your solution.
The eldest elder—a woman with white in her hair and a scar across one shoulder—stepped forward. She made a series of gestures. Pointed at Derek. Pointed at the sky. Made a questioning motion.
Derek nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes! Excellent question. Let me speak to that."
The narrator: "She asked where he came from. Derek has interpreted this as 'What value can you provide?' This is either extraordinary optimism or catastrophic misunderstanding. Possibly both."
"What I bring to the table," Derek said, pacing now (three steps left, three steps right, the conference room circuit), "is a proven methodology for organizational optimization. I see a team here—" he gestured at the tribe, "—that's clearly committed to excellence. But I also see inefficiencies. Communication gaps. Unclear role definitions."
The elders watched him pace.
"What I'm proposing is a comprehensive transformation program. We're going to implement Lean Six Sigma principles adapted for your specific operational context. We're talking standardized processes. We're talking measurable KPIs. We're talking about moving from a reactive hunting model to a proactive, data-driven approach to resource acquisition."
Silence.
"I'm sensing some hesitation," Derek said. "Let me address that head-on."
He opened his laptop. 14% battery. Maybe ten minutes of presentation time.
It would have to be enough.
Scene: The PowerPoint
Derek's hands moved across the keyboard with muscle memory. He had given this presentation 247 times to 247 different clients. The slide deck was titled "Operational Excellence in Resource Acquisition: A Paradigm Shift."
He turned the screen toward the tribe.
Slide 1: The title slide, with Derek's name and credentials.
"What you're looking at here," Derek said, "is a transformation framework that has been proven across multiple industry verticals."
Slide 2: A Venn diagram with three circles labeled "People," "Process," and "Technology."
"The key is finding the intersection point. That's where the magic happens. That's where we unlock synergies."
The narrator: "The tribe has no concept of diagrams. They interpret the circles as representations of the sun, the moon, and something they cannot identify. The eldest believes Derek is describing cosmology. She is interested."
Slide 3: A matrix with four quadrants. Green, yellow, red, and blue.
"This is our performance categorization system. Green is optimal. Yellow is acceptable but requires monitoring. Red is intervention-required. Blue is—" he paused, "—well, we don't talk about blue."
The battery warning appeared. 5% remaining.
Derek spoke faster.
"What I'm proposing is a six-week intensive certification program. Week one, we align on core competencies. Week two, we establish baseline metrics. Week three—"
The screen went black.
The laptop had died.
Derek stared at it for three full seconds.
Then he closed it carefully, looked up at the tribe, and said with absolute confidence:
"You know what? The slides don't tell the whole story anyway. Let me speak from the heart here."
The narrator: "An interesting adaptation. With his technology failed, the consultant pivots to emotional appeal. This is a desperation tactic in his native environment, typically deployed when quarterly numbers are poor. Here, it might actually work."
Act III: The Close
Scene: The Conviction Speech
Derek stood. He made eye contact with each elder in turn (three seconds each, just like the training said).
"Here's what I believe," Derek said. "I believe that every organization—every team—has untapped potential. I believe that with the right framework, the right methodology, the right commitment to excellence, any group can achieve breakthrough performance."
The wind moved through the grass. A bird called in the distance.
"I look at your tribe," Derek continued, "and I see capability. I see dedication. But I also see a lack of structure. And structure is what separates good teams from great teams."
He picked up his briefcase. Opened it. Pulled out a laminated document.
"This," he said, holding it up, "is a certification pathway. Complete the program, demonstrate mastery of the core competencies, and you'll receive formal recognition as a Certified Lean Practitioner in Resource Acquisition."
The narrator, very quietly: "He is offering them a certificate. A piece of laminated paper with no meaning in this context. And somehow, impossibly, the elders are leaning forward."
"I'm not going to tell you this is easy," Derek said. "Transformation never is. There will be resistance. There will be moments where you question whether the old ways were better. But I promise you this: if you trust the process, if you commit to the methodology, you will see results."
The eldest elder looked at Derek for a long moment.
Then she turned to her fellow elders. They conferred.
Derek waited. He had learned long ago not to speak during client deliberation. Let them talk themselves into it.
Finally, the eldest turned back. She made a gesture—a specific movement of her hands that Derek had no way of understanding.
But her expression was clear.
She was nodding.
Scene: The Deal
The narrator sounds resigned.
"Against all probability, against all logic, against the accumulated wisdom of two million years of human evolution, the tribe has agreed. Perhaps they sense Derek's unshakeable confidence. Perhaps they are simply confused and believe agreement is the path of least resistance. Perhaps, in some way we cannot fully understand, they are genuinely intrigued by the promise of optimization."
Derek exhaled. He extended his hand again. This time, the eldest elder reached out and grasped it.
"Outstanding," Derek said. "This is the beginning of something transformational. I can feel it."
He pulled out his notebook.
"Now, let's talk about payment structure. Obviously, I'm willing to be flexible given the unique circumstances. I'm thinking we can work out an arrangement based on your current resource model. Dried meat, furs, that sort of thing. I'm also going to need lodging, access to your water source, and honorary tribe membership—purely symbolic, but it helps with buy-in."
The elders conferred again. Then nodded.
"Excellent. Let's plan to kick off tomorrow morning. I'll need some time this evening to prepare materials. Do you have any cave walls I could use for visual aids?"
They did.
"Perfect. Then I think we're aligned on next steps."
Derek made a note in his book: "Client onboarding complete. Transformation begins 0800 tomorrow."
The narrator's voice is heavy.
"And so it begins. Derek Hutchins, Senior Vice President of Organizational Transformation, has successfully sold a comprehensive change management program to a tribe of early humans. They do not understand what they have agreed to. He does not understand where he is. And tomorrow, the implementation phase begins."
A pause.
"May whatever gods exist have mercy on them all."
To Be Continued...
Next in the series: Part 2 - The Implementation, where Derek introduces standardized processes, performance metrics, and mandatory all-hands meetings to a people who have never heard the word "synergy."
Coming next week.